transcendancing | Recent Entries

In the tradition of a couple of friends' I've been thinking what I want 2010 to be about for me. I think what's becoming clear to me (though not set in stone) is the idea of 'connectionism'.

What this means for me (given it's not a real word) is:
- being connected to people
- promoting things that mean others get to be connected
- learning about what connection means, looks like, feels like etc in as many ways as possible
- connecting with new people
- deepening my connection with current friends
- being and living a life that gives people an idea of what connection is and can look like
- sharing what I know and have learned and experienced about connection with interested parties

That's the overarching theme to the year. It fits in well with the overarching theme to my life, which is 'love'.

I don't think I am in a space where I can begin to break that one down to such neat little dot points, so I will trust simply that it is obvious that the person I am is an expression of and intertwined with the associations of love :)

Other things I'd like the year to be about:

- cooking for and with friends, spending time and learning skills, teaching skills in the kitchen
- getting to know friends better, really appreciate them and what they're doing in their lives - what matters to them
- meeting new people and seeing the world through their eyes
- enjoy my love affair with academic learning, explore the wonderous things I get to think about and learn about, and do well marks wise in the process.
- continue my love affair with Fremantle, because I'm just head over tea-kettle for the place. It's the place I fell in love with here in Perth, first.
- cook new dishes!
- practice course meals and make gifts of these to people as pleases me
- continue to be open and honest about my life - the results of this have been stand out and phenomenal, I suspect this is something that will just become natural and fade to the background.
- fall in love as often as possible, and delight in it every time (this is actually standard experience for me, but I want to really notice it - I never want to take it for granted.
- spend time being less well behaved, in control and out of trouble - aka, have spontaneous, wild and wonder filled adventures in unlikely places.
- start learning French
- travel interstate and spend time with people who I'd love to be closer friends with
- see what it's like being an independent, hippy arts student exploring the country :) (and later - the world!!)
- inspire others in themselves, the things they're doing, the things I'm doing, and to come on spontaneous adventures with me just *because* hanging out and doing something unexpected will be *glorious fun*

Current Location: home in slightly cooler than rest of house theatre room...
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: nil

So the other day,

callistra and I mused about having a dinner party. Rather, she mused and didn't feel like doing all the cooking, with me then volunteering to do some of it. We decided to keep it small and just invited

kae_dash and

aescapulius being that schedules have made it far too long since they and the Parkers crossed paths for any length of time :P

Today when I went shopping for ingredients with Calli, we got a bit carried away and planned grand things, allowed some common sense to reign and kept it to 3 courses, asserting that the cheese platter really wasn't necessary (though would have been awesome).

We did a whirlwind of cooking - all five of us, and accomplished huge amounts in a small amount of time. While the idea of Beef Wellington appealed to both Calli and I, we decided to prepare a bit more for that (both of us have been watching a little too much Hell's Kitchen, which features a strong thread of Beef Wellington).

What did we make:

Starter: Garlic Bread

Entree: Butter, roasted pumpkin, sage and bacon fettuccine topped with crumbled goats cheese.

Main: Roasted chicken with cashew nut stuffing with a green salad on the side.

Dessert: Crepe torte with mascapone vanilla cream and strawberries.

This complimented by a bottle of Moet & Chandon that was a renewal gift to Calli and Chesh. First time tasting such a well known bubbly - and I can say I could taste the difference. It was far lighter and fluffier, less heavy on the palate than other sparkling wines that I don't enjoy as much. Now eager to taste the Bolli and Christal (sp?) as well for comparison.

Notes:

* We didn't home make the garlic bread but it was tasty and allowed us to other cool things
* I fudged the butter sauce for the pasta from a few recipes, and we were quite delighted with the end product, though more walnuts and sage would have been good.
* We home made the pasta - my first time, and now I know how the process generally works, what to look for etc I'll be trying it here at home.
* Dessert ended up twice as awesome as the original plan as the crepes didn't quite happen as originally planned (rolled with fruit filling and topped with cream).

I loved the ease of conversation and the being together-ness. It was really lovely. After we ate we sat down and introduced

aescapulius to Alton Brown's 'Good Eats' which he in his geeky glory, delighted in.

Tonight was just a perfect experience of friendship, and sharing, and creativity, conversation - connectedness. This is what I want for 2010.

I think that this is what my year will be about. Still a few conversations to have around that before I'm sure though, then a post of it's own.

Current Location: home in bed
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: nil

One of mine and K's favourite things to have happened, is to become part of the yearly invite to

amarillion's family Christmas dinner. It's a huge affair, with heaps of food and lovely smiling people from several families and often friends (like us!) too :) K has become part of the carving team, and this year I contributed a pavlova - honestly, the best one I've ever made.

I also got to see pictures of the trip that

amarillion's parents had done the year before at Christmas time to Antartica - wow.

I love the big gathering, with happy people coming together, all bringing bits and pieces and ever year, such warm greetings for us - even though we're additions and not actually family :) This year we brought Cameron too, and it was still just like a sense of 'home'. Cam fit in beautifully with discussions about Neal Asher amongst other things.

prk and

amarillion are part of the chosen family for K and I and spending Christmas Day with them just makes sense... it's hard to imagine it otherwise. I love them *so* very much.

Christmas Day has come to include for me, cauliflower cheese, rolled roast pork, ham, turkey, roasted veggies and pot luck desserts. This followed by what seems to be a yearly marathon of Mythbusters on Foxtel from the couch where we all lie, half dozing and unable to move while our bodies digest. Late in the afternoon we stagger out and drive back home, and it always feels like I can't quite bear for the day to end.

The complexities of family move me and fascinate me. I love my family, and my chosen family. I think I'll discuss with K doing something as an event to share with our chosen family next year as we've never hosted a Christmassy thing before... we shall see :)

Tomorrow we hang out with Cam's family up in Mundaring - hoping that it will be lovely up there as K hasn't seen much of the area at all, while I got to see a bit when I was living up there with Darkewolf. It's an area of Perth I'd like to spend more time in as I have very fond memories of it. My fondness for Freo actually stems from being on an awesome picnic there in which I met Darkewolf :) Expect that the hanging out will be awesome and I'm looking forward to it.

Am experiencing some hormonalness, though not emo soppiness, rarely for me a quickness to grumpyness. Realised this tonight with the boys carrying on being cute and adorable in the back (but noisy and annoying too). We were heading out with Kallan to find food (Ninniku Jip rocks). I've been having late night dinner/desserts with Kallan often enough just the two of us that I was completely unprepared for the boisterous grossness of toilet humour that marks the experience of when the four of us are together - or rather me wibbling in horror with the three others outdoing each other with disgustingness :P

I'm missing my connections, companions a little atm, but had a wonderful phone catch up with Mr Brisbane which has my heart stirring - and his judging from words and sharing. He still plans to come over here for a Margaret River trip I'm planning next year. I'm just in one of those rare spaces where certain lovely people interstate just *feel* far away. It will pass, it always does :) Still putting it out there in the universe to meet some lovely and awesome person in Perth to enjoy connection and companionship with.

Current Location: home in bed
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "Life Less Ordinary" - Carbon Leaf

* My relationships in various amazing forms are a major source of how my happiness is expressed.

* Seeing MS in the flesh is always just as amazing as I imagine it, and hope for it to be. This woman takes my breath away - I wish that we could spend more time together, easier. However, I deeply value and appreciate the time spent, I like to think we make the most of it without applying terrible significance to such events.

* Understanding the material is pants if the means to communicate that is screwed up. Take one brand new unit, add one tutor who talks about formality of language in emails that use nothing of the sort. (Seriously, no spelling, sentence structure, grammar or punctuation at all). This does nothing to convey reasons for me to trust in their ability to mark my work.

* When I am around people like MS,

black_samvara and

callistra I am bigger and feel like I really can make a positive difference in the world.

* I really am enjoying selling books to people. Today's trend was parents buying Feist for their sons.

* Job hunting is worse than pants. I'm still looking. I still really don't want to work permanently or full time.

* Having MS in the same city reminds me how much I love a shared balance of time spent with Loves in the same city, I'm reminded of how much I value what I shared with

e_dan, and still value the trust and closeness, however it looks at any given time.

* I love imagining into the future, where Big Brother is given away to *everyone*. I imagine something not unlike Julian May's vision of a galactic milieu, connected not through special mental abilities, but technology that looks almost within our grasp. I imagine people connecting to other people where the first impression is 'human!' rather than external judgements of colour, body, gender, dress etc. I imagine that people being connected in this way will create a shared intimacy and from this birth the context of valuable personhood.

In the connecting with other humans, sharing their stories and lives and suffering I imagine that certain realities we shrug off now - say homelessness, will become more personal and thus more unacceptable to us. I imagine that there will be less people who are ridiculously rich or poor. I imagine a world where we interact as humanity. This has broader implications, suggestions and possibilities, none of which I'm prepared to discuss right now, here on my blog. Ask me about it in person.

* The sense that I'm meant to be travelling away from Perth for a while gets stronger. I'm called to spend time with others, share lives and experiences and time with them. Explore myself. Explore Australia and its culture, consider the differences in the way people relate state to state. I don't want to wait for conventions in order to get to know and spend time with people - it's too much like 'someday' for my taste. I want to be close to, be connected to and involved with people not in Perth, therefore I will go wandering. This means that gradual plans are being made with my Eastern States Tour in mind, it's going to happen baby!

* I still really want to undertake training as a doula. I want to support, empower and care for families bringing their new babies into the world, helping to create a positive environment where everyone feels capable, vital and connected to the experience. I want to support environments where there is less fear, worry and trauma all around, where babys' introduction to the world is gentle and loving. This is part of several larger conversations.

* Feminism is twisty and turny and every specific conversation links to several others - it all feeds in and all bears consideration. The breadth and depth of it however is boggling and difficult to take in. The more I discover the more I boggle, the more I consider and discuss and research and experience the more I wonder, the stronger I feel and the more I hope in the face of adversity and invisibility. My faith is deeply rooted in the concept of anything being possible.

* I promised vulnerability to you all via this space, and I've been very true to that, although less so these past few weeks as I've had no idea what to write, and a sense of little time in which to write it. I didn't want you to see me struggling with feeling dense and stupid over assessment that should be simple and to the point and not at all stressful. I didn't want you to see me turn myself into little knots over seeing MS here in Perth, introducing her to the boys and to aspects of my life and who I am. I didn't want you to see my experiences of sadness, feeling misunderstood and invisible. I didn't want you to see my experiences of feeling lonely - surrounded by such amazing people, I didn't want anyone to think anything less than that they made an important and vital difference to my world... yet here I continue to seek more. This is the short version of the vulnerability I've hidden from you. I didn't actually mean to... I just don't really have the words... I've been sharing this much more in person of late.

Still a bundle of work to do on these, and much editing needed as well as one whole piece to write and edit tomorrow. I am so over these reports. I'd much rather be concentrating on my essay and exam prep. Bah. Time to wind down and sleep.

Current Location: home in cluttered study
Current Mood: sad and tired
Current Music: nil

Tonight after an epic day, I created that who I get to be is Love. I get to let go of the background noise that is 'listen to me'. I'm still living my amazing life - it just keeps getting better.

Part of what made the day awesome was spending half an hour on the phone to MS and just being with her, feeling connected and just falling in love with her several times over. The love in my life is amazing - it is no wonder that I want to share this with the world.

Current Location: home in bed
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: nil

Apparently it's impossible and unthinkable that they'd only need one pair of shoes each to go away overnight with.

I dread to think what else is being packed....

*amusement*

On that note however, Happy Anniversary to both K and Cam, celebrating a year today.

Current Location: home in cluttered study
Current Mood: loving
Current Music: "They" - Jem

It's interesting - I call to check. I call to check if certain people that I see and notice online as a matter of course are suddenly - and for an extended period not online.

Happily in this occasion when I've called all is well, but there's a keyboard full of water and Children of Earth :P

I had an intuitive experience last night, where at 3am upon falling asleep I was suddenly awake and full of fear, thinking of

e_dan, with something 'white' also occurring inside of the feeling... I sms'd him and got back the very reassuring response that all was well. I spoke to him and MS today checking that all was really well, I thought even though it had pinged as

e_dan that with the two of them so closely linked in my mind that perhaps it was MS I was intuitive to... or something, but all was well with her too.

I'm grateful for my intuition, but it took me quite a while to sleep last night after it happened, even when I received the sms that all was well. That said, I'd rather check, and check, and check and be misfiring than be right. I've been right more times than not in experiences like this, so the 'all is well' is particularly welcome.

I always seem to know when to call or sms K, and often my 'I should sms/call/email this person... now' is fairly spot on too.

It's interesting. It's mostly welcome, occasionally freakish in how it occurs to me. Mostly I'm grateful to feel connected.

Certainly when I spoke to

e_dan and MS this morning there was connection and love - it was nice to be comforted after the fright minor though it was.

As an added bonus, MS was heading off to spend the day life modelling, and it gives me unending pleasure and joy to think of her spending the day like this, and thinking of me. *blush*

Love is a multi faceted thing and oh so beautiful, so is connection and the way the world and its energies work... baffling and incredible.

I am grateful.

Current Location: home in bed
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: nil (am in the middle of a lecture)

Inspired by

babalon_93:

I am grateful for:
- the internets
- really lovely tea
- friends who let me learn to drive and drive them around
- corn thins with cheese on them
- the boys who understand that the world is a hurty place and upsetting me atm and comfort me lots
- my intelligence and joy in learning
- intuition that wakes me to sms loved ones at 3am because i'm worried they're not okay, and then they sms me and everything is fine.
- loved ones who share joy with me daily and deeply
- babies and women and birthing and the wonder and majesty and beauty and joy inside of this

Current Location: home in cluttered study
Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: "Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley

I just spoke briefly with MS on the phone. There's just something about her and in the midst of speaking I just had a bubble moment of being overwhelmed with feeling connected - which resulted in me blushing and losing all sense of what I'd been saying or what she'd been saying... she was amused, and I joined her there once I could think again.

Just giddy, in love and loving it. I thought in light of the last few days and weeks being quite terrible for various people, that I'd share my moment of shiny happiness.

However difficult it can be at times, living the way I do in a society that disavows the possibilities of it at every turn... omg things and moments like this make it all so utterly worthwhile.

One of the things I love most about myself, my personality is my ability and appreciation of falling in love. Deeply, frequently, genuinely and inside a myriad of circumstance and possibility.

I wouldn't change a thing.

P.S. MS? I love being in love with you.

Current Location: home in cluttered study
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: nil

I've just had a moment of epiphany surrounding the word 'significant'.

I'm going to sit on it but I wanted to write this so as to commit it's existence to the real world, and not to the relative clutter of my sub conscious :)

People. Connections. Significance... significant, names and labels and words, another associated concept on the brain is 'constellations' which is becoming a rather interesting and more and more apt concept the more I think on it.

Yay intution! Go logic - now it's your turn.

Stand by for sense making at some later stage.

Current Location: home in cluttered study
Current Mood: inspired
Current Music: "This is My Song" - Carbon Leaf

I'm less sentimental about 'stuff' and 'things' - though there are things and stuff i'm sentimental about.

I'm mostly sentimental about remembered moments, and mostly things of connection or expressions of love, sharing, intimacy, often just remembering communication - conversations/letters/sms's/blogs/comments/chats

This is where my sentimentality lies.

Tonight sentimentality was a phonecall with MS - it's been forever since we've gotten to talk and I almost cried to hear the familiar warm bubbliness of her voice. We talked and I blushed (It pleases her to know that she can always hear me blushing - it's an audible experience apparently). We talked and she even blushed (much more rare an event) and we shared and realised that we don't ever feel very far away from one another. I love that, even though every so often I wish that I could hold her or kiss her or snuggle with her. It's a missing that isn't based on a lack, but from some kind of abundant space.

I'm just smiling and floaty from the experience, and I know that she'll be close in my thoughts for days. A little more than usual.

(there's a host of people who cycle through my conscious thoughts inside of love and connection and commitment and such things, I'm very active in my valuing of the people in my life)

I'm still discovering why I love this woman, though I'm clear that I do, and I don't need to delve but to just embrace and enjoy it :) Part of my floatyness is hearing something of the same returned. It's hard to believe we've known each other less than a year, and in practical terms far less than that - but then, given we are both extraordinary people it stands to reason that we can create connection in an extraordinary way.

The only thing I'd change is access to a teleporter :)

Dear Universe, thank you for me, thank you for the amazing people in my life that I'm so deeply in love with and tonight in particular MS. Love, me.

Current Location: Babalon's Kitchen Table
Current Mood: loved

http://shanness.net/sundaylife/

I'm not out to convert the world to my lifestyle... but I am absolutely committed that people get to choose and live the lifestyle that is an expression of who they are, and wish to be. (an it harm none..)

Having said that, do I get a bit of a kick out of seeing something of my life being represented positively in the mainstream media? Absolutely.

aescapulius is looking to move in with us sometime in the next little while, which will be awesome! Especially when I run off to other cities to discover who I am and practise all that I'm being and creating for the world :)

I love

kae_dash more and more daily, I fall in love with him often and deeply, and most of all I love that between us we can trust each other in our mutual commitment to each other getting to be who we want to be, and live an amazing life - together or not. I love the freedom I gain from being in love with this amazing man - he inspires me, supports me and always, always, believes in me.

I love knowing that in turn I inspire him, I support him and always, always believe in him.

This is not a small part of me being who I am, and living a life that is amazing and part of what I want to be and create for the world at large.

The article reminds me of all of this, it reminds me of MS in Melbourne, where if I think of her, I blush! It makes me think of R whom I met recently in Bendigo who was unexpected in connection and awesomeness. It makes me think of

e_dan and of the wonder held inside what we shared and created, and of the other loves in my life that I've met, love and share my life with in some capacity.

I love to be re-inspired, and love that the article was part of that, this week.

I will never ever, ever be tired of being in love, or falling in love. Anyone I've mentioned above, amongst several others, I have the privilege of falling in love with often... it never gets tired or old, it's never the same experience. I am blessed by the Universe.

Current Location: home in bed
Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: nil

*happiness*

K and I decided to reacquaint ourselves today and take advantage of the fact that neither of us had anything on in the middle of the day. We had lunch at Zushi Bento, which I wanted to like more than I did, and then went to the cinema to see 'I Love You, Man' which surprisingly enough, despite being dragged kicking and screaming (well, kind of), I actually really enjoyed. There was lots of realism, moments of cringe where you just see yourself doing the same/similar things. It was also genuinely funny and not in a terrible stupidity comedy that I hate with an undying passion. Nice take on a romantic comedy.

Now sitting at Dome, about to move and am having dinner with

black_samvara soon which will be lovely.

Also,

mr_booboo and I are going to go to yum cha tomorrow, and currently the very sketchy details are: Golden Century restaurant, opposite Russell Square, 1pm. If you'd like to come, drop me a comment or sms? Also, given our lack of organisation the details could change, so make sure I have your details too :P

Okay, time to be kicked out now.

ETA: Time for Yum Cha is now 1pm.

Current Location: Dome, Carousel
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: people in the background.

I am home in bed and this is lovely!

That said, I miss Melbourne already. I am perhaps trying to convince someone to run away to Melbourne with me later this year :)

Had airport kerfuffle of interesting learning. Will avoid flying Tiger again if I can at all avoid it - longer story than I have brain to tell tonight. I am home, this is the important bit.

Big love and appreciation to

ascetic_hedony for picking me up tonight, I was so pleased to see the friendly face though my forward planning reasoning turned out to be groundless :)

Bits of stuff to note:

- T2 Sleap Tight tea is lovely.
- The family (including critters) missed me
- Am using Google Chrome since Firefox did something odd and vanished all my bookmarks and history and stuff.
-

e_dan and MS were lovely in checking some clunking going on around my laptop and now it is much more efficient and runs far more smoothly *hugs it*
- I was using my laptop with mobile broadband on the tram this afternoon - so awesome.
- My bed and my pillows are comfy.

I'm doing really well, I'm still in a very good space regarding changing of relationships - hard to think of it as an ending since I really don't feel I've lost anything.

I got to spend last night and today with MS which was -wonderful- and while I didn't manage to get a new picture of us together (omg time was not on my side today), I do have one from March that was rather amusing :)

*is swoony* I adore her so much :)

The world is a shiny place and now that I've emptied my brain of trivia, time for sleep.

Oh, btw - I did my essay exam on Tuesday and think I did really well. I have some amusing comments on this - some of it is me feeling proud of what I did with it all by the time I asked

e_dan to look over my plan and help me finish it off.

Okay, now that I've emptied the trivia from my brain, sleep :)

Current Location: home in bed
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: nil

Otherwise known as:

e_dan and I broke up Sunday afternoon.

What I feel is important for me to say in addition to this is; that it's the right decision in the direction of mutual fulfillment and happiness. We're both obviously disappointed that breaking up ended up as the best decision and way to shift things and move forward - but in saying that, we're both clear that we didn't do anything wrong - but all the right things didn't help.

What is also important and gets it's own paragraph is the fact that we maintain a huge body of love, respect and trust. Resetting things like this enables the possibility of the kind of connection that we've been missing, and I'm looking forward to that.

I am mostly doing well with all of this, though obviously sad and disappointed in some ways. There is a lot of ease and freedom here as well.

I'm fortunate in that since I haven't really broken up with someone since before Kaneda - nothing inside of this kind of context at all, and if it was going to happen with anyone then

e_dan has been wonderful. I'm pretty sure this also means that I'm also good in this sphere as well.

Support in general has been wonderful - the poly community here in Victoria is just incredible like that. Lots of support and love, mutual validation and no wrong-making. I'm missing many of you in Perth however, and am looking forward to coming home (but not back to work).

Current Location: e_dan's apartment
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: the rain outside :)

* Work happened and I was productive.

* Boss happened and I am seething resentment.

* 1 more Tamora Pierce book left. Have read most of the available books in the past 2-3 weeks.

* Loving and confronting and awesome conversation with

e_dan today. The ideal model is not ideal though the un-ideal (see that joke I almost made there?) model has yet to present itself. Can't wait to be over there in June, have missed just being in his company irrespective of anything else.

* Left laptop either on a bus or in a building. Cannot ascertain which till tomorrow morning. Data is mostly retrievable, or non essential. Machine is less easy to figure out - I can't afford to replace the thing. I also can't afford not to have one with uni atm, not to mention there's the whole bit where it's my only machine. I'm using K's tonight. I want my laptop back. I am thinking strongly and positively that when I make phone calls tomorrow, someone useful will have picked it up and will have handed it in and that I will be able to arrange to pick it up tomorrow.

*fingers crossed*

* Did well in assisting shift tonight, was very effective in just getting past the stuff that was hard, and overwhelming and upsetting.

* Am working up to a leap of faith. Not sure what this is going to look like yet but JY was very inspiring at me tonight. I am almost convinced and enrolled that I can completely make this work.

* I badly want a cuddle from someone I'm really close to. This is not person specific but intimacy level specific.

Current Location: home on K's pc
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: nil

Was the subject line of my daily sanity email out. I love my daily sanity emails. They make the world go around.

Boss managed to demonstrate once again his ability to suck all my motivation inside 2 minutes. I did no work today. I fail at even remotely passable work ethic. This after awesome conversation with next in line who I WISH was my boss on Friday last week, in which he totally got the directions I'm going in, the importance of certain things like loves and family in my life, the things I'm learning worldwise and study wise. He could plainly see that my job and I, no longer match. Was hoping to be able to recreate some of this with boss... however I don't see how if this morning is an indicator.

That was the crappy bit of today. There were heaps of good things and I'm going to concentrate on them:

* coffee from Bocelli's where the owner Leo now makes my coffee (Dave moved on to do bigger and better things), and calls me Bella - he also notices how I'm looking of a morning and often offers me a second shot to help me through :)

* Tamora Pierce - current sanity ebook reading.

* Sanity emails from

callistra,

angriest,

maharetr and

linstar. Sometimes others - these are the daily ones though :)

angriest and I have a crazy ability to think of wacked out schemes to fix all of ours and the worlds problems. If only we were benevolent dictators (I still have several staff positions available). It makes for truly hilarious moments which make coping and getting through the hours somewhat easier :)

* Afternoon tea with

agoodliedown, one of my favourite Monday things.

* MS got the card I sent her :D It had a rainbow and butterflies on it, and inside I wrote something along the lines of:

"I almost left this blank and let the rainbow say everything, but the blank space compelled me. I adore you. I miss you and I love having you as part of my life. Love, Ju".

We had a short and lovely conversation in which my favourite bit was her telling me I was cute and that she was looking forward to seeing me - this in response to me saying that I couldn't wait to kiss her again and couldn't stop blushing every time someone asked me about the special girl in my life :)

* Had really loving and lovely conversation with

e_dan, it was so good I almost burst into tears at the end of it. Looking forward to being over in Melbs with him in June, I'm mostly intent on really enjoying being in his company, letting him enjoy mine and us both feeling connected.

* Have shifted several persistent complaints going on in my head in the last week, including communication and the shape of things, being afraid of the future, being aware that I'm completely attached to everything in my life and feel no freedom around much at all at present, and then realising all the things I'm starting to put in place to take action there, so it will be interesting to see what happens there. Uncertainty, insecurity, risk, and losing control: ready or not, here I come.

* I got 90% on my Star Trek essay. I don't have the words to describe my happiness over this, as everything else has been pass level and that's about it. I worked so hard on this essay and am pleased the mark reflects the work I put into it. Also, many sincere and extended thanks to those who helped me on it, whether it was editing, discussions on the cold war, on star trek or anything else for that matter: Thank you.

* I have a warm purry kitty curled up beside me and I am smiling and relaxed at the end of the day.

This is really great for a Monday. Work may easily overwhelm me atm, but I'm fucking going to shift that if it kills me.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "One Prairie Outpost" - Carbon Leaf

The week has progressively improved.

I giggled, was silly and witty and intelligent and loving and cuddly and organised at various intervals - sometimes in a random combination of these.

I also used familiar made up words, new ones, and waxed happily about the look and feel of my benevolent dictatorship :P

RobM has kindly offered to be my 'D' as head of Research and Development :P with

flinthart as my Evil Laugh - how can I go wrong? Simply a matter of time I say.

I fell in love tonight, mostly with who I am. It feels good to feel so much more connected to myself, and not nearly so mystified :)

Also, I had moments of enjoying being in love with the loves I share my life with,

kae_dash,

e_dan and MS, not forgetting

aescapulius or

ascetic_hedony :)

It is bedtime, and I start the weekend smiling.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: nil

And I'm feeling slightly giggly. It occurs to me that since

e_dan has wandered off to Melbourne, that my alcohol tolerance isn't what it was :P This says nothing except that one of the things that we did that I really enjoyed was lounging around some cool bar - the Loft in Fremantle for example, and having a glass of wine/bubbly.

I'd love to continue doing that kind of thing - I'd be interested if someone else would be interested in getting together fairly regularly just to converse and enjoy a nice glass :)

While it's something that I miss about getting to do regularly with

e_dan there is no shortage of cool things we get to do when we do catch up - but I absolutely do love the lounging, casual socialising, conversing, thinking with a glass of something - preferably lovely :)

Also, those of you who despaired of my wine/bubbly palate ever leaving the realm of sugar should send a moment of thanks in

e_dan's direction, as with his influence my palate has expanded and includes a wonderous amount of new appreciation for stuff.

I'm still practicing red wine however.

All in all, not quite five months on I'm still practicing this long distance thing and while I keep falling off the learning curve (as

agoodliedown would say,) I am really appreciating it in many ways and am finding a lot of stretchy growth as a person - even if most of it isn't comfortable.

I'm deeply grateful and appreciative of the love I get to share with my partners, their loved ones and others who are special to me. I am loved, and how I love them in return :) Hopefully this is something they can never be unsure of :)

Having said that, please to be giving me a zoomy tunnel to Melbourne thxkbai.

(for those of you not in Melbourne, my brain has it that everywhere in the eastern states is accessible via Melbs :P) (Oh hell yes I plan on living in Melbourne at some point - pretty much a promise K and I made each other when we moved to Perth in fact :P)

No, I'm not procrastinating on my Trek essay... not at all :P

Current Location: home
Current Mood: joyful
Current Music: "Live a Life Less Ordinary" - Carbon Leaf

Was all around awesome.

I got quite a lot done on assignments - as usual not as much as I'd hoped.

Watched Speedracer with the boys tonight, which was a highlight. K and I tickle-wrestled ourselves into a fit of laughter, also a highlight.

Friend staying over, cuddles and catching up and such - really lovely.

Another friend's baby shower - lots of fun, also she looks so happy :) Am accomplished in having done 2/3 the cooking I want to do for her.

Spent hours on phone/skype with a couple of people, notably

girliejones and WolfSong.

I am enjoying the reading on Lessig, and have just begun the reading on Star Trek - am enjoying that too. Now hopefully the writing of the assignment will happen with minimal fuss. So far, after Saturday being a writing disaster, that is all out of the way and it shall be smooth sailing.

Had a quick lunch with my mum too, when she came to pick up the mail - she's busier than me atm which says a lot :) Was really lovely just to sit with her and talk a little.

Didn't manage to catch up with MS over the weekend - but busyness and schedules! Also just will be awesome when I get there, feeling all shiny about it, about her *squeak* I could pinch myself, some days I can't quite believe that she's part of my life - but I love that she is.

I love having the people in my life that I do. I love the good bits, I love the hard bits, I love the inbetween and the shiny and the other descriptive words I could list all day. Sometimes it's just good to note for myself how much I love this and choose this.

Bed time - work tomorrow, hopefully this week will be an improvement on last. Fingers crossed.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: nil

* I'm not looking forward to going back to work.

* Melbourne feels far away at present... time, scheduling and mismatch in catching up.

* I am becoming a Lessig fangirl... and since this assignment is not due Monday as I feared, but 4th May, I'm feeling like I actually might be able to demonstrate the kind of work I'm capable of, as opposed to the previous assignment.

* I am feeling random, and not so random moments of frustration - different reasons and causes but it isn't pretty, and I'm not proud of it.

* My heart/mind seem to be pinging me about family a little more strongly/regularly. I don't know what to make of this.

* I may have started some crazy plans with a couple of similarly crazy people :)

* Mostly I feel that freedom is dangling in front of me and I can't quite see the combination to be able to bring it into my reality and hold it, grasp it and run with it. Travel, love, relationships, work, study - it all feels slightly skewed at present. Like I'm slightly in the wrong space and time or there's one detail that isn't fitting right.

* Swancon was awesome and parfait amour is still my favourite liqueur :)

* This year is about 'expression' for me, self expression and exploration, trying things, doing things and taking it all on with all available limbs.... but this appears to be mixed joy and learning and challenge - I did and didn't expect this.

* There is something I wish for and dare not ask for.

Current Location: Exomod before glamfest
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: "Guitar Hero" - Amanda Palmer

Just in the catching myself smiling at memories as they occur. I am restless tonight, excited about Swancon, and yet really looking forward to night time company again.

I'm amused and boggled that I can be involved with three people, admittedly two of them are interstate, but that it's been nearly a full week since the boys have been back here. They've been absolutely flat out doing stuff for their demo at Swancon, heaps of building stuff and rehearsing and make up and costuming - the whole kit and caboodle! I'm so proud of them, and I know that it's going to be absolutely incredible when it happens!

By the time I get to tomorrow night, I will I imagine have had enough quiet and alone time to last me more than the entire convention - it will be so wonderful to be in amongst all of you. Though I will be missing

e_dan a bit I expect.

How am I feeling? Okay. I'm not sure how else to describe it without starting a much larger conversation.

( apparently am conversational )

Also if anyone's interested in stuffing con bags, feel free to sms me on Thursday for the details.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: "Raise the Roof" - Carbon Leaf

So, in pushing myself so hard. In concentrating so much, I've hit a new wall tonight.

The 'someone come and play with me?' wall. This wall shouldn't be here - I played on Thursday! There was even some playing on Friday.

I am missing people. I missed phonecalls from

e_dan last night as my phone had not made it's way home with me. K and Cam are busy with Swancon stuff up at Cam's place - I haven't seen them since Thursday. MS has been super busy too as have I. Schedule mismatch = lots. I am thinking of them all lots though, and the thoughts are often memories which make me smile.

Third day in the house with it being so empty and quiet but for me? Odd.

*penguinflail*

Assignment is getting there. Had some really great feedback from

lauredhel and

nerdus_maximus2 which I'm working steadily through. Currently beginning to push at the 3k word mark for this presentation. Hoping that if I can get someone to look over it when I'm done with this round, that it can be grammar-fied and cut down somewhat.

After that I'll throw things into a powerpoint presentation and hand it in. Blah.

Enough work please? Can I have the fun bit please?

I have called in non attendance to work tomorrow. The thought of going stresses me out with the uni stuff I'm still flailing about to complete. Also, this daily seizing up of my neck and shoulders leading to headacheness - please to be stopping now. I have no capacity for this shit atm.

Company would be so good right now.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: nil

* Didn't go to work today. Couldn't face the hours of trying to be productive doing stuff that isn't as important as other stuff: namely sleep, rest, household/life maintenance, seeing K for longer than 5 mins other than sleeping, and of course, my assignment.

* Performance Review next week. Am concentrating on the world of 'don't care' available to me. Am clear that they can either have a service delivery person or a project person, but as long as I'm trying to do both, I'm less effective in both.

* Need to write application for secondment opportunity.

* Realised I am lucky that Wednesday's mini-meltdown really was very very small, very manageable and that the people in my life were brilliant in their care and making sure I had what I needed.

* Spoke to uni counselling people, cried on them a bit, have appointment after Swancon. Think I'll keep it a regular thing and start work late one day a month so that I can continue to have access to the support, given everything I'm taking on and doing, and learning and confronting I can't imagine that this won't be invaluable and probably vital to me continuing to excel and revel in things.

* Spoke to Unit Coordinator. Cried on him a bit, despite trying not to. Explained situation, explained that my experience is that there's something key I don't get, that I keep asking for help/clarification and keep getting a brick wall and that despite all my own individual efforts I'm still missing that puzzle piece. He was awesome and clarified things, and reassured me that he'd look over my assignment when submitted to make sure of the marks - this relieves me. Also everywhere I felt from tutor's comments which I didn't understand very well, that I was doing the wrong thing, appears I'm not and my analysis is fine. Reassuring muchly. Still wish I could submit after Swancon.

* Found perfect birthday present for

ascetic_hedony today. We went out to Fremantle tonight to hang out together. Decided to see 'Easy Virtue', had reverse dinner: Started at San Churro's, went to movie, then went to Outback Jack's for dinner.

* San Churro's continue to be an experience that makes my heart soar. In particular what was outstanding today, was that my phone fell out of my pocket or got left behind somehow. I only realised in the movie. Went back after movie and they'd put it aside AND, had checked it and looked for a number that would let someone useful know the phone had been lost: they called my Mum. How brilliant and smart is that?! I'm so impressed! Also, yay phone! *hugs it*

* Outback Jack's despite the obvious gimicks actually has great food and service. I had a petite eye fillet that was perfectly cooked, fresh salad and it was just wonderful. Also, decent wine, great unpadded pricing. They seem to be determined to provide exceptional experience with meat, and wine if you're up for choosing one of their cellared selection, without padding the experience - it's very WYSIWYG. I was impressed despite my expectations that it would be average and much like going to Hogsbreath. Totally blew my expectations out of the water.

* "Easy Virtue" with Ben Barnes and Jessica Biel - was brilliant. It was quirky and funny and romantic and well written. Specifically: it had some of the best female characterisation I've seen for ages. Not at all the predictable storyline, or main character - or supporting characters. I'm deeply impressed with it and would happily see it again in the cinema. If you're sick of seeing one dimensional female characters in movies - this is worth a look. Ignore any crap reviews/synopsis' that you come across, it's utterly worth it.

* Assignment. Still like pulling teeth. Almost half way to 1st draft at which point it's all downhill. Wish Calli was more of a night owl as her workshopping with me the other night while I wrote seemed to make it all start to flow in my fingers and head and on the page. Still, I will take some cement, harden up and get it done. Somehow.

* Tomorrow I go to the gynaecologist for a follow up. In part this will be to review the pill and how it's going for me - so far, so good. In part this will be to see what the ultrasound showed up. Am taking

black_samvara again and once again creating an experience where this is something safe and positive. It's working - no anxiety or fretting at all thus far. Also will assess to what degree I have P-Cos, and work out what if anything more to do with that - it's hoped that the pill will do most of the work for this.

* Lunch with

cupidsbow tomorrow which will be brilliant.

* Given I will have 4 days off between today and the end of the weekend, I may possibly be able to cope with the world by that point.

* Swancon and my committee have been awesome and inspiring and filled with love. I'd paint hell pretty colours for them. They are incredible.

* In the past few days my libido has decided to... make sure that I'm aware it's there and that I'm paying attention. I am. But, -wow- some of this is a little much don't you think body?

* Hanging out with

ascetic_hedony tonight was such that I am incredibly aware of why he falls into a specific and intimate sphere of involvement in my life - he gets to share the space with

aescapulius. Love, intimacy, commitment, sensuality - other stuff that doesn't explain well. All awesome... all almost always easier to simplify into 'friend' terminology, though I -always- feel somewhat uneasy about it. Like I'm almost lying.

* I love the people in my life. I love getting to live the life I've chosen. I love, love, love, being in love, and falling in love with the people in my life time and again. I never, ever get tired of it.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: "Hallelujah" - Regina Spektor

* Stressed and exhausted.

* Uni assignment, that I might just have gotten my head around talking with K tonight. *prays*

* Dinner with K tonight, amusing and love filled - we talked about him backpacking with me, and both made it to about 10 seconds before we burst into laughter. He conceded that he was akin to a 'precious flower' regarding backpacking :P

* Love is K watching 'Ugly Betty' with me.

* Love is me buying brazil nut chocolate on a hunch that K would really like it - he did!

* Love is kittens, and melty looks of love and memories.

* New Anne Bishop book - joy!

* Work... urgh. I understand I'm creating the unhappiness, but can I get off it and let go of it? Apparently not. *head desk. rinse. repeat*

* For some reason, I'm still in my phase of wanting to be Amanda Palmer when I grow up. Odd.

* Salma Hayek is... just like the other mothers I know and revere.

* I joined twitter, and am a little bit fascinated with it.

* GoH dinner email will be out in the morning.

* Swancon is awesome, and I cannot wait!

* Have hit moments of countdown for visiting Melbourne again... this time everything feels completely different - in a really good way.

* Was laughing at myself last night at 2am... I'm involved with 3 people, one of which comes with a bonus

aescapulius, and I spend half my nights sprawled across my bed alone :P This is not a bad thing - I'm just really amused by it for some reason.

* Time to say goodnight to the universe and let the breeze whisper lullabies across my skin.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: exhausted but peaceful...
Current Music: "Hallelujah" - Regina Spektor

Including several realisations about work and other things...

But right now I'm just going to bask in the enjoyment of wonderful loving and shiny conversations with loved ones. Today I spoke with

babalon_93 where we talked about swancon, and poly and our shared desire for non invisibility inside of that. I talked with

maharetr about work stuff which was useful and I learned lots. I got to talk with

e_dan about the luxury of not reading 1984, about my next visit to Melbourne and other awesome things going on for us both. I got to be at Friday night, and approach the couch where

ascetic_hedony made room for me to snuggle, lots of conversations and really?

Can I just say I have the most amazing fucking ethical and strong friends who make me so proud to be amongst their company. I am in awe.

I spent time on the phone with MS tonight and blushed -a lot- omg!smitten mynxii *blushes lots* I love talking to her, sharing with her and hearing what's going on and being part of that. May is too long till I get to see her :) Where's my zooomy tunnel to Melbourne dammit? I could never have imagine the joy of having someone like MS become intimate and important to me would bring - I have written barely anything about this, but yes there is a new special someone in my life and she's just.... incredible.

In short, despite the bits of life that are a bit sucky - work for the most part, the relationships in my life? Wow. I'm only noticing work being so sucky because everything else if pretty fucking amazing.

I am so, so grateful in a way that I'm totally inarticulate about. I'm still saying more of the same - this isn't different but I am nothing if not consistent in how much I notice, appreciate and adore the people in my life - often and specifically. I also love that I get to fall in love with people over and over again on a regular basis. Wouldn't trade it for anything.

Okay, I'm so exhausted I'm repeating myself... but I'm warm and aglow with feeling loved and beautiful and desirable... I wanted to share that with you, rather than whine about work.

Also what I've said here? Doesn't cover half of it.... wow...

I can do that later ;)

*dances twirly like to bed practically glowing with joy*

Current Location: home
Current Mood: elated
Current Music: nil

I miss you not from any lack in me or life, but through abundance and love of sharing life with you. I do not pine, but merely wish to share in you, to share of me.

Something I kind of said (slightly less prettily) and only upon reading back upon the conversation realised it was worth noting for future reference as a note to self.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: mass comm lecture...

* Am 1/2 up to date with the last 4 weeks uni as of the work I did today and yesterday.

* Only handed one thing in late, and it's worth 2% - it would have been an easy 2% to get except I wasn't expecting the style of the Intro units as opposed to the second semester units I did last year.

* I'm in love with my new Intimo clothes. Now I just need to keep replicating my wardrobe, so that when

e_dan finds a place, I can have clothing in Melbourne and get away with only carryon luggage (the other shiny thing about this is being picked up on the motorbike :P)

* Percon is happening - YAY. I want this more and more after the recent discussions on Swancon, which did in all honesty somewhat break my heart despite being beautifully facilitated and where everyone pretty much behaved well.

* Tiger has flight specials on again, so it looks like I'll get my May trip wish afterall. This may mean that the June trip to Adelaide is less likely, but I can deal with that - there are always more conventions and spending quality time with partner is kinda attractive :P

* My 2% uni exercises I did as a chunk of lecture listening and then writing pieces was awesome. I could really get to enjoy this 'Freewriting' concept (google freewriting and peter elbow for the reference). I laughed to read the article, realising that actually, I do that style of writing all the time and it's a skill I have well developed already - makes this part of the course components rather awesomely fun and breezy to do.

* My swancon committee are made of awesome. I love them so very much! We're all working so hard at the moment, and there's a lot of sharing of acknowledgement and support and love all around - makes the hard bits easier. I'm really getting excited about the convention - and my bits I'm doing for it!

* Special mention to

angriest who picked up a ball to coordinate for us purely out of his awesomeness and its the kind of thing that we're extremely grateful for right now both for ourselves and everything we're doing, and also on behalf of the people whom this will benefit - which will have a lot to do with us fulfilling better on something that was always important to us as a committee.

( because the dot points are a little lengthy - cut point mostly arbitrary )

Current Location: home
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: "Watch Over Me" - Bernard Fanning

I am home, curled up in bed and about to sleep.

My week in Melbourne was brilliant. It was abundant and love filled and incredible. It was an immense amount of work too, but all of that good and positive and worthwhile too.

I strengthened my relationship with my other partner, and seem to have also started a new relationship :)

I'm ecstatic and bewildered and completely filled with gratitude to the universe that I get to be who I am and live as I live.

black_samvara picked me up from the airport at midnight, which is such an expression of love - it meant a lot to me andI really appreciate her coming out!

The boys greeted me with hugs and kisses, kept me company while I unpacked.

K and I got to catch up quite a bit and talk, I missed him and Cam so much over the week.

I am so glad to be home, and yet what I got out of this trip was a very strong sense of Melbourne becoming another home to me, complete with another network and family.

I have a heap of work to continue on with and get done, but I'm exhausted after last week, and will likely take a few days to really pick up on it all - I kinda need a week off after my week in Melbs as it was so full on.

Big huge loving thanks to

tikiwanderer and

statnerdery for their continued wonderful hospitality. How I love The Circle.

This is mainly an initial thoughts/feelings/gratefulness brain deluge, and a marker for me to catch up on LJ from Friday.

I am so in love. I also fortunate to be loved in return. Once again: joyous and grateful.

Current Location: home in bed
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Zoe Keating's cd.

I met up with an old Darwin high school acquaintance yesterday. We had coffee and... L was the person I remembered but with years and experience and self expression and awesomeness. I occurred the same way for her - much of what she remembered of me as a 17yr old, but plus years and expression and experiences etc.

We also had dinner last night but I dragged along

tikiwanderer,

statnerdery and

e_dan. We went to 'Sahara' on Swanston (between Lonsdale and Little Lonsdale - it's a doorway that you walk up and it's easy to miss. The restaurant was the perfect choice!! Good (and short) menu, great drinks menu. We had:

Rosemary bread with honeyed figs and vintage cheddar - this was to -die- for!

e_dan and I had the Moroccan lamb stew, my friend L had the roasted vegetable salad with goats cheese,

tikiwanderer had the bread and dips plate which had tzatziki, a toasted spiced seed dip and something possibly caramelised oniony or eggplantish - they were all great tasting!

statnerdery had pizza which really looked yummy!

(the restaurant does moroccan and italian and african fusion food - it's just so interesting and had great flavour combinations!)

I had a champagne cocktail: sparkling wine, fresh raspberries and cassis. *swoon* Oh this was brilliant.

e_dan and I finally agree on a cocktail :P (the world may end now)

After dinner and farewelling

tikiwanderer and

statnerdery, the three of us wandered down Swanston to this awesome little wine bar - I don't know the name of it, but it's where Brunetti and Caboose are for those in the know. It was brilliant. I had wine, the others had coffee. My wine was -incredible- this german grape that I'm not even going to attempt to spell, that was incredibly complex and sweet in places without ever being overwhelming about it, lots of notes that I could actually taste in it as opposed to being told they're there - such as rose and lycee, it was one of the nicest wines I've ever tasted.

The night and company were brilliant - I really love that I got to see L here in Melbourne, and we've reconnected our friendship into the present and in such a way that I really value the person she's grown into, and I got the same from her.

Other stuff...

Yesterday I did the Lush and Haighs run. I also almost bought shoes. Today I'm planning on doing a bit of wandering on Brunswick st, and maybe Smith st. I may go have coffee with people too :)

tikiwanderer may join me in the city for little awesome cakes!!

Tonight

e_dan and I are planning on going away on an adventure overnight. Driving somewhere and camping out and just enjoying where whimsy leads us - actually I believe

e_dan has a route in mind but it will be just wonderful no matter what.

Sunday is to fucking close.

I'm not ready to come home yet - I feel like we've only just gotten to the bit where we both feel connected and present and synchronised again. I don't know what I'm going to do around that or how I'll go about it. It will be interesting.

Current Location: The Circle
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "Winter's Night" - Sarah McLachlan and Jewel

I'm still blissfully happy and enjoying myself immensely.

Saw 'Milk' last night with the other 'men's group widows' and it was delightful company, got to meet shiny people and appreciate them!!

It just keeps getting better.

Spent quiet night in later with

e_dan and one favourite was us agreeing that we were glad we didn't do something (we consider) dumb and saying that in him moving over here that 'we'd see how things go' and that we were clear on continuing as partners.

I feel... gorgeous at the moment. I have since late last week, and experiencing

e_dan and MS as I have been, has only pushed that experience beyond the moon :P I imagine that this must be how Angelina Jolie feels some days :)

And now, WolfSong is online and it's like all my icecream sundaes have come at once!!!

I am going shopping at some point today, and will either go to the city or to Brunswick St, probably the latter today.

Also, this cold thing? LOVING IT!!!

Oh and one last shiny thing - I keep having successful Melbourne navigation moments :P

e_dan is convinced I will have to give it back when I get on the plane :P

Current Location: The Circle
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: nil

"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz...

This song brings joy to me every time I hear it, or remember it. I start humming it. It gets in my head - and is welcome to camp there.

There's a lot that I love about the lyric, and a lot I love about the sound...

Funnily enough, it's not that I experience it reminding me of a particular person - or at least... not an other person. It reminds me of me.

It reminds me of the joy and freedom I've created in my connectionism, in my loves and relationships and through that experience I feel the abundance and possibility. It also reminds me of what I want for the world, and what I want to bring to the world...

Love, love, love, love, love....

(and connection and compassion - which are not secondary, but less the focus in this particular moment :P)

( lyrics below cut... )

Dear universe: I'm Yours.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: "I'm Yours" - Jason Mraz (in my head)

* Wonderful dinner tonight with wonderful company all around. Well wishing for travelling was had! Amazing curry and dessert *worships*

rabbit1080 and her kitchen assistant

shrydar for cooking, and for hosting us.

* Long and thoughtful conversation with friend on the way home. Actually I can kind of measure my life in the long and thoughtful and passionate discussions.

* Started cover letter for job I really want for charity organisation that want someone to do stuff that actually, I can really do. Spoke with National Manager and she likes the sound of what I can offer. Working v. hard on it not sounding like selection criteria.

*

maharetr rocks my world.

* I feel like my trip to Melbourne next week is:

a) an eternity away
b) so close i can scarecely stand it
c) me going to visit my 'other family' or somesuch - the possibility I've created and acted upon as a part of the tree association I've had with the connections is really coming into itself and I feel incredibly connected and loved and invited in.

* Love is:

e_dan picking me up from the airport at 6am.

* Love is also

black_samvara going back up if my parents are still in Victoria and can't pick me up from the airport when I return to Perth.

* Perth poly meet up gathering on Thursday - looking forward to this.

* Coming up to my 12th anniversary in sharing my life with K - and this weekend is the 'official' celebration, where we're going to Phantom of the Opera, with

prk and

ascetic_hedony which will be wonderful.

* Creating positive things around current job, and as management for where I'm at and how I'm feeling in it at present, it's helping and working.

* A few of the friends in my life are experiencing feeling unlovable, undesirable or similar and while it's not what any of you are after... I really do care and am thinking of you. I really believe in your individual awesomeness, lovability and desirableness (with some added spelling...) I wish I could hug you all. A lot. More, I wish it could help more than it will.

* I realised just how many people who are significant in my life who are having babies. It blew me away and I'm still a little boggled - and overall quite delighted. Part of me is inherently surprised not to have children myself by this point - our original plan had been have family early. I'm glad it hasn't happened that way. No idea where I'm at with it as an ultimate decision, but I'm enjoying the exploration of self, the people I love and our lives.

* Time for sleep.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: nil

( for length and interest )

Current Location: home
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: nil

http://aescapulius.livejournal.com/46719.html

This makes me smile a lot.

I can't wait to see them tonight (it's a long time since Friday!)

Also last night I was in bed just after twelve. I'm now wide awake. I feel this is kinda odd.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: "A Sorta Fairytale" - Tori Amos

* Work is going well. Procure to pay reform will be painful and yet awesome. I could train someone to do my job for a week, in less than a week. *fantasises*

* Rocky Horror on the big screen - AWESOME! First time ever! Some great costumes, and great participation.

* Cuddles under starlight, watching movie. Awesome. (see previous post)

* Amazing friends. Amazing conversations.

* Conversations of particular amazing note:

e_dan in the past couple of days and

subtle_eye in the past couple of weeks.

* 2 and a bit weeks till Melbourne!

* !!!!!!!!!!!!!

* I'm still doing lots of enquiring, lots of thinking and getting lots back from it. So much consideration and reflection, looking at things and their background - letting go of much of it, and with that has come so much freedom and energy.

* Going to a farewell tomorrow night - should be wonderful.

* Lots of closeness atm, with people around me - lots of K being close and purrry. *adores*

* Current song that keeps following me around: Bernard Fanning's 'Watch Over Me'. I can hear a particular person singing it.

* Looking forward to the fundraiser on Saturday - will be wonderful to reach out and share that connectedness I'm both feeling and wishing to promote... and to do something to draw community together and try and make a tangible difference to people who are suffering.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: nil

Very quickly before I sleep:

* Lovely day yesterday with

lady_niav where upon I bought far too much Lush. I got more free stuff than I paid for, so I'm counting that a win.

* Awesome party at

madradish's that was made of win. Lovely people to catch up with which was just wonderful. Cuddles and connectionism for the win.

* Sleeping in. Puppy cuddles.

* Driving lesson with

prk, and

maharetr's suggestion to make friends with third gear: TOTALLY WORKED!

* I was so competent at gear changes, thanks to this, that I didn't need to look at the gear stick, didn't get second, third or forth wrong or weird at all. I stalled multiple times, but several of those were hill starts or strange/complicated intersections, and also I was operating on much higher expectation of my competency in gear changes being in amongst traffic.

* I now need to make friends with zero to first again. Delicately off the clutch.

* I DROVE ALL THE WAY HOME FROM KINGS PARK!

* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*

black_samvara came over and there was quality time and conversation spent, it was oh so beautiful as we sometimes forget to take special time just for the two of us to connect and express love. I'm so glad she's in my life, and she's one of my dearest loves and closest friends.

* Connection and gentleness conversation with another friend who needed to feel some love and be listened to, I hope that they're sleeping now with some kind of comfort and feeling of possibility and support.

* WASFF bbq was lovely, I may have started a compliments to insults bartering system for some of the cynics of fandom :P That was fun! Also, I am not going to bid for 2011. However shiny it looks when I squint.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: the wind...

Whose actual birthday isn't till tomorrow... however, had her party today. It was small with lots of littlies running around cutely. It was lovely to catch up with people, though at one point I was overcome by the need for a power nap.

Norah was adora-bubble in her fairy dress at the beginning of the party, and eventually joined the other nekkid kidlets running around with sand and water - omg, the sand and water!

Cake was beautiful and featured Maisie Mouse, made by

callistra - Yum!!

I then got to invite

leahcim over for dinner, and I made a san choy bau to beat all san choy bau's! OMG I have so much mince mix left over!! Lunch tomorrow :)

It was lovely to have him over for dinner too - esp. with the boys at their cute and playfullest (and not at all above the belt either :P)

It was a nice, family style night - missing only the beautiful

linstar, and oh was she missed.

I'm soon to bed in another -extremely- busy week, but I still have a few things to blog about first.

My other highlight of today was a phonecall I received from MS expressly to share joyfulness with me - I felt so loved that she did so, in the company she was in. It was wonderful to be thought of, and missed and loved :) The call made me feel very connected which is always a wonderful feeling. *shinyness to MS and company*

Current Location: home
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: nil

( cut for length )

Current Location: home
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: "Walk Away" - Darren Hayes

( cut for length )

Current Location: home
Current Mood: touched
Current Music: nil

Details:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!"
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will post the answers to the questions (and the questions themselves) on your blog or journal.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. And thus the endless cycle of the meme goes on and on and on and on...

I have some questions to answer, but I think I will do so after having slept.

Obviously in the spirit of 'if you wish', also I realise I'm supposed to have put answers with this and haven't.

I would also like to say that I have the best friends in the world.

Favourite moments from today:

I got to have lunch with

azhure!!!! *bounce bounce bounce* She is warm, and lovely and I really enjoyed the conversation! It was just.... shiny :) And she gave me a very cute little shiny with a strawberry!!! *nomnomnom* Yay :)

I got to speak with MS for about an hour today on the phone. I am adoring getting to know her, and I really miss the days/week between calls when we're busy. I love being friends with her and knowing that we're enjoying becoming friends outside of our ties to

e_dan. That we both have the experience of more connection, more inclusion and things being all around easier through having developed our own connection, is well... enthralling. I love it.

I burbled happily on the phone to

e_dan this evening, and asked him how he planned to deal with both MS and I both being giggly and exuberant at him. :P He suggested it was a good question :P *bounce giggle*

Chatting with

ascetic_hedony in the car about cognition and other related things... sharing some of the stuff I've been getting and learning out of the self enquiries I've been doing. He's one of my closest confidantes, and I always value his opinion, love and support.

Icon just because omg, I think it's hot.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: nil

cupidsbow writes an awesome discussion meta here:
http://cupidsbow.livejournal.com/318198.html

I love, love, love the post! I love, love, love several of the comments.

It occurs to me that this is why I didn't ever fall into Torchwood as a fandom - it's wholly unsatisfying to me because despite having a character that I'm genuinely in love with (Jack), that has such scope and possibilities in the way he relates to other entities both on intimate and non intimate levels this is often not depicted, and if it is, I haven't seen a good example of it.

I'm not after schmoopy moresome fic that is plotless and all smut and fluff... I want to explore the possibilities of relationships and the way they're negotiated, the problems, the twists and turns, the insights, the learning, the realisations, the challenges, the confrontational bits... I want that exploration and depth.

I've found several Doctor Who OT3 fics that have this. My favourite is one I now have to go madly searching for in order to reread, was a Jack focus OT3 story that was appropriately smutty in the right places, but not schmoopy - and it was an interesting plot with twists and it was difficult and not perfect or easily resolved.

Neither Jack nor Ianto occur to me as die hard fall into monogamy type characters... and if they do end up monogamous - I want to read about it in a context where it isn't presented as the only and obvious way for them to spend their lives... it just makes my eyes roll.

It's times like this where I wish I was interested in telling/writing stories creatively... I'm not, but times like this I'm a little wishful.

Instead I'm just going to be glad for and hug the discussion meta and its author

cupidsbow a lot.

I'm also going to grin a little goofily, and have squishy happy thoughts about the loves of my life. Now this does include the obvious

kae_dash,

e_dan as well as

aescapulius, MS and

ascetic_hedony (and if you didn't know that these were the obvious ones, well... now you do :P), but there's several levels of other people I'm thinking on here... and having loving appreciative thoughts on. Many of them are on my flist. Many of them I've gushed happily about on many occasions - I'm never secret in my love.

Enough babble, I should be asleep!

Current Location: home
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: nil

I'm going to bed realsoonnow.

Seminar - awesome. Big realisation.

My beloved

kae_dash is incredible, and utterly wow'd me with his courage, love and commitment to me, to Cam and the relationships in his life - and his feelings in general. I'm so proud and in love I could burst.

Similarly...

aescapulius is just wonderful and so *there* and I am so proud of him for all he's done and doing and hoping for... I get to share my life with this person and that just blows my mind :)

I spoke with MS from Melbs who is a joy. 'nuff said, just wow! (she may have promised to save me from killer sardines...)

Awesomeness from

maharetr who was herself, and wonderful and I'm so grateful I could squish her.

seimei_beloved is just... wow... we do stuff, we learn stuff, we fall down and mess it up... and I'm really impressed after my conversation with her tonight. Lots of love sweetie - you're doing just fine, it's all in your hands and we're all here for you.

I have the most amazing people in my life, and I'm really glad and grateful.

Right now, I'm going to stop gushing, and go to sleep.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: nil

I am feeling it at present. With people, with some emphasis on specific individuals, with myself and the universe.

It's quite grounding and makes me smile, and feel peaceful. My average mood measure is presently peacefully joyful. ( Slightly rambling... )

Current Location: home
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: nil

So on Wednesday, I started work late due to present buying. I finished work early due to a) everyone else heading off, and b) to finish present buying.

Found other almost perfect present for K - it's not as ideal as the other one was, but the universe had other plans for it anyway when they wouldn't let me return it .

My Stepdad helped me with grocery shopping and was all around awesome. He showed off his new car that he bought. I don't remember if I mentioned this or not - but a couple of weeks ago he had an accident, wrote off his (HUGE) landcruiser, and took out the front of the other guy's car - who'd pulled out from the side of the road in front of him, and he was going something like 80km.

I'm so glad that he's still here - there were many ways in which that accident could have been fatal for one or both people, and as it was they escaped very lightly indeed. *is grateful* But, this led to requiring a new (HUGE) landcruiser (to pull the caravan). It was good spending time with him - I'm enjoying being closer to him.

I made a special dinner on Wednesday night for the household (sans

aescapulius) of roasted flat lamb, potato salad, and broccoli, asparagus and craisin salad which went down very well :)

Talking to

e_dan online, I decided that the only thing missing from his morning plan for Christmas morning, was a

mynxii to snuggle. Thus I checked Transperth, and lo it was possible. Got up at half past six, trekked across the city and spent a few blissful hours with him - this was one of the better ideas I had.

Had accidental lunch and pink bubbles with friend of

seimei_beloved from Boot Camp. Was nice to spend time with them, and see

seimei_beloved enjoying having her little one around - she had her very own family Christmas yesterday :)

Cooked tarts for picnic yesterday afternoon - or the tart mix, caramelised onion and sweet potato.

Dressed for dinner, and headed off with

kae_dash (who dressed down but still looked so awesome!) and

aescapulius to have dinner at Yu restaurant in Burswood with

prk and

amarillion. The food was exceptional, the service in some ways was also exceptional but in others bad. We'll definitely go back for the melty Szechwan steak amongst other things.

Exomod can't seem to function without

kae_dash for a few hours - he'd already worked a full day, and without any public holiday loading/bonus. So we all headed over there to have coffee, second dessert and watch him be efficient and awesome. His boss is a bit clueless atm because he didn't seem to realise that he'd pulled K away from our family gathering so to speak.

Home and finished making tarts - the filling the pastry and cooking them bit. Lots of discussion with the boys, lots of love and reassurance and affirmation of lofe and commitment.

(PS -

e_dan? C likes the idea of Melbs too :P muaahahaahaha!)

Sleep, and now I'm waiting for

nerdus_maximus2 to come over (with Haighs!!) so we can go for a walk.

Later, hanging out with

e_dan, and then the Friday Night Christmas which will be a picnic at the Moonlight Cinema's Mamma Mia Sing-a-long. *bounce*

It's safe to say that I'm having a brilliant, relaxing and lovely time. I wish everyone else the absolute best :)

Current Location: home
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: nil

One of the things that happened today was that during the course of the forum, when I was sharing about what I'd been looking at, I came out as being poly.

maharetr, and a couple of others said that the entire audience visibly moved, and started murmuring.

The Leader also did a double take, caught it and then directed the group so brilliantly - that me being polyamourous was never an issue - there was no need for deconstruction - just a few really well placed questions to establish some context.

The phrase 'my fiance's boyfriend' is a real winner :) the fact that

e_dan is known to a number of people there and I mentioned that he was my Companion and Other Significant Other (weird phrase, still not sure about it) was also interesting given they were hearing of our relationship through me.

That's all context though.

The happy thing is that several people approached me today and told me that they were touched by my bravery in sharing my relationship with the group - and a couple of them even mentioned that they'd initially judged me, and had seen past that and were really grateful and pleased to have met me, that they saw me as a person who was very open and loving and they were glad that i this worked so well for me.

It was very moving for me, because I had been very afraid of sharing this. At the time I remember that I had a conscious choice in whether or not to mention it - and given what I was talking about, I felt it would be dishonest to ignore it and not say it - not only for my interaction with the group, but in terms of dishonouring the value and importance of my relationships and lifestyle, i have no desire to make either

aescapulius or

e_dan invisible in my life - that's not the person I want to be.

One of the things I got from the weekend was that I'd been telling myself I'd been strange for so long, and had built this idea up around me. I realised that I'm not actually strange - I'm me, and that by saying this, I was deciding that people couldn't connect with me - not a great thing given I want to work with people and in human rights :P So being with all of these people, these strangers and having them speak to me with such openness, warmth and appreciation really drove that home - that I am me, ordinary and extraordinary just like everyone else - connection, my favourite thing.

So, this is my happy thing - a bit more long winded but then I just spent the whole weekend on this and other things, so it's not unsurprising that my happy thing would relate to it :P

Also the bit where I'm whole, happy, healthy, not feeling over exposed, vulnerable and shaken.... I just feel like me, with more insight as to who that is. If I spoke to you over the weekend, I'm grateful for your time and energy in a huge way - it helped to hear your voices and feel connected to you, several of you I missed dearly.

Actually there's another happy thing - I got to spend the weekend with

maharetr and that was incredible, it was wonderful to spend such close and quality time, many hugs and just - sharing so much with her, and getting to know her so much better. Definitely a huge happy point!

Okay, now that I've blogged far more than I originally intended (no surprises there), it's time for me to hug the rest of the internets quickly and then go join the boys in bed.

I notice that Summer appears to have hit.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: nil

I am still in love. It grows daily and I am thankful daily.

K is more simply romantic here: http://kae-dash.livejournal.com/21126.html.
(and I have to say I'm still utterly slayed by the post... his words made me fall in love all over again...)

11 years on and there are still new discoveries to be made, new moments to share, and memories for all that has come before.

11 years ago my life changed forever... and the one who introduced me to K, is not here to celebrate with us - there is still a Joelius shaped hole in the world.

We're best friends first and foremost, and we support each other's individuality as being just as important as the entity that is our relationship.

He is still one of my favourite things each day.

Aishteru.

Current Location: DPC
Current Mood: loved and in love
Current Music: nil

( Very long, and not of general interest )

Current Location: Royal Street
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: "Inner Universe" - Yoko Kanno

My far too long comment ( here )

Current Location: work
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: "So Beautiful" - Darren Hayes

So I have this thought running around in my head, its floating and skimming there - kind of like a very tiny hyperactive fairy in the back of my conscious imagination.

Being in love. I am actively in love with someone, with a number of someones on an every day, every minute, every second basis - mind you, its not always the same person, obviously there are consistencies :P

I love the feeling - i can't really imagine a day to day life without it. What would it feel like - I imagine that it would feel quite empty, that something was missing, that I'd be searching for that missing piece, that thing that made the shape and colour of my world kind of skewed.

So at the moment, I'm just smiling, because I'm so in love. I'm so in love with my world, I'm so in love with the people around me and the time I get to spend with them, spend on them, so damned rewarding.

I guess you have to inherently understand that by being in love, doesn't mean i want to go and shag the better part of my flist - that's not an admission that you'll a) get, and b) that would be true. Oh, sure there are people on there :)

There are a myriad of different facets of that love, a million different ways in which it comes together, each individual contribution, the things I learn from, the things I can teach, the things that make a difference, that I notice...

From each person in my life, there is something, a gift, a lesson, a test, a challenge that only they can give... and I hope it works in the return - i have to assume so and hope that I'm not being too immodest.

What has prompted this is my lunch hours. I have the best lunch hours. I get to see several times a week the people i love most in the world - reach out to them and hear the bits and pieces running through their immediate brain, and hug and love them deeply always, and more when they need the extra confirmation that they are real, they are loved, and they matter.

The people in my life i can liken to the internet. Each one is individual, unique and operates under its own parameters, rules and governance, but each one is connected and allows me to build things, the greater picture, bigger understanding of the universe that is so much bigger than any words can encompass. No connection along this 'web' can take away from another - it would have to be a very destructive relationship, and it would damage the surrounding relationships - i hope now that i have enough awareness and wisdom to care for that in whatever means necessary before it gets to that point.

At which point, you're left with a web of connections that don't detract. Basic principle. Energy plus energy still equals energy - and most definitely not LESS energy... you could probably successfully argue the same amount of energy, but i'm betting on more...

That sense of reaching out and the gentle humm of the people around me, the love shared and the sparkles of individual gifts that influence it. This is how my world is connected, coloured and textured.

I'm in love with my life, and all the wonder and amazing in it. For the wonder and amazing, the inspiration and the incredible amount of challenge and wisdom I can learn from, i have to thank all of you on my flist. I have gorgeously glowy moments ala Doctor Who, and Torchood (though i don't need to snog people to find the glowy) all the time - I love that!

Thank you.

Current Location: The House of Books and Dogs
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: "On and On" - Cookie Jar

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transcendancing

January 2010

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Page Summary

2010 for me...
Dinner Party - the first of 2010
Christmas 2009
Things occurring to me at nearly 1am...
Wow :)
Excerpt from living with K and Cam...
Intuition.
I am grateful for...
Giddy love.
Ping.
Understanding sentimentality...
Poly Article of awesomeness:
Date with K
Home :)
Change and Connection and Moving Forward
Rollercoaster....
Mappy Honday!
Tonight I have felt more like 'myself' than I have since Swancon.
Second glass of champagne...
Weekend...
Confessions...
I am missing people tonight...
Blah.
Dot points...
The days previous, dot points
I have so much to talk about... instead I'm going to gush :)
Excerpt from conversation...
Various bits...
Home.
An old friend, now a new friend....
More joy...
Dear Universe: I'm Yours.
Wrong side of 1am...
Where I'm at.... dot points
Wonderful things to wake up to #eleventy billion and four...
Dot points...
Lalalalala it's not -really- 1:30am.... (okay maybe it is...)
Happy Birthday Norah! Also, highlights of today :)
Answers for dalekboy...
Answers for linstar...
Interview Meme...
On Polyamory and Fandom....
Hello 1:48am...
Connectionism...
Christmas Update
Happy Things - Sunday (day 4)
11 Years On....
What is the sound of healing?
from willowgypsy's post :)
Being in Love

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Page generated Mar. 22nd, 2010 03:30 am

The Professional Lap Cat

Out to save the world, one moment of love at a time...

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