The Professional Lap Cat

I've been squeamish about horror movies since I was little - I never grew out of it. This is despite my healthy imagination, ability to point to reality and not reality and my appreciation for good story and dark fantasy (probably other things, but that kind of list is boring). I've had it in my head that it was actually frightening, that what I was experiencing was fear.

It's not - not even close.

I'm squeamish from distress. It upsets me to consider that someone could do that (whatever 'that' is at any given point) to someone...

Some things it's easier for me to talk myself down from the experience of horror and upset. Other things I just don't deal with well - and gore movies are definitely one of them. I can even deal with true thrillers better than I can gore films...

I feel a little liberated in this realisation... it always bothered me to be scared of something that I knew very well wasn't real. It doesn't bother me in the slightest to be upset or distressed by the kind of suffering and torture, mind games and fucked up things that horror films glorify in.

I don't begrudge the genre - I certainly believe that fictional spaces are far better for the exploration of these kind of things than the real world.

But I don't need to 'overcome this' now. There's no fear to face... just a knowningness that I am not the target for the story and that there are other things out there for me to enjoy.

I feel my explanation is a little ambiguous... like I'm circling but not really nailing a point. What do others think - is anyone else out there in the same boat as me?

But right now I have neither the time, nor the words to say it.

This week has stealthily torn me apart in ways I didn't think possible. Amazing things and realisations have come out of this. So has a reasonable amount of being with and facing up to pain.

I am everything I am, have been, or will be thanks to the people in my life.

Overwhelmingly this is what is there for me right now.

Just so you know I'm still paying attention - but google reader is prolific atm, and I'm finding a heap of it interesting. Now when I get my act together, a schedule/routine and some hint of productivity, I'll blog about some of the interesting things I've been reading properly. The quick list is:

* Birthing - Twilight Sleep. *horror*

--> obvious that we've come so far, but I'm also well aware that some of that requires considerable squinting.

* Geek Feminism blog - open letter to Mark of Linux.

--> open letter is articulate and well thought out, but the comments stream makes this. So much articulation and patience, several kinds of fail x rinse x repeat. http://geekfeminism.org/2009/09/23/open-letter-to-mark-shuttleworth/

* Smart Girls at the Party on YouTube, in particular this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTtaKlUOnbc which I got via Feministe I believe (if I'm wrong, prod me).

* Life Hacker still makes me feel like win. Favourite post I caught up on over the weekend was a practical laundry tip about revitalising towels, by 'recharging them' with vinegar and baking powder. I simultaneously loved that it was a simple and practical laundry tip, and that it was described using tech language.

Other goings on....

* Putting together a link salad article for the Women's Edition of Metior, I'm collecting quite a variety of links, but if you have a cool feminist resource/blog for me to add to the collection I'd appreciate it. I'm looking for well known and lesser known stuff. I have Hoyden, Feministing, Feministe and Geek Feminism, and several smaller ones but would love suggestions for other cool/interesting reads.

* Juffy provided media crack that I've been wanting to finish watching ever since I was 8 or 9! Win for Cities of Gold and omg thank you Juffy!

* Tea with cricketk many times over the weekend. Sharing of quiet moments, garden freshness, conversation, gaming, music and tech wrestling (we did not win the internet).

* Expanded my music collection requesting cricketk to gives me some of her tunes we'd been listening to.

* Enjoyed a blanket hopping few hours at Fair Day - loved the weather! Wished that there were as many stalls as the year before last (my favourite stall year), but thought the set up of stuff was better than in previous years. Would prefer the entertainment stage to be in the non licensed section. Loved catching up with people that I don't get to see nearly often enough, and should make more effort to do so :)

* Enjoyed the sunshine muchly this weekend - and even got mildly burned.

* Working at FP mornings till 2pm tomorrow, Thursday and through till 5pm ish Friday, morning till 3pm ish Monday.

* Picked mulberries by headlamp in the dark and delighted in it.

* Had lunch with prk and amarillion on Saturday in the Swan Valley. We tasted fortified's at Talijancich which was awesome, and had lunch at The Mallard Duck cafe, which I wanted to like more than I did food wise. Service was lovely and the setting was just idyllic.

* Borrowed book of cricketk 'City of Bones' by Cassandra Clare, and got a good way into it on trains today. Sign of how much I'm enjoying it.

* e_dan and MS will be here soon! Spending time with loved ones for the win. Also, hoping to be able to introduce some of you to MS depending on her movements and schedule :) Consider this the official giddy, blushy, wordless warning :P

* Enjoying Trillian Astra so far, have also downloaded Dexpot to give myself more virtual desktop space. Also downloaded and evaluated FeedDemon 3.0 tonight, but decided within 10 mins I didn't like the setup (how hard is it to include something that marks as read as you scroll? If it's there, I didn't find it - and it shouldn't be that hard). There was no functionality it provided me that I wanted and don't get from google reader itself. Tried to do a user scripts hack to Chrome tonight but the folder maps for the instructions don't match.

* Still really enjoying not being employed and definitely feel that this earning of money thing should be through something casual and fun and not too serious to fit my mood, learning and lifestyle atm. Learning to deal with impermanence and transitive stuff atm seems to be the go. Scary.

* More thinking on doula and child birth education stuff. Still very interested and deeply moved by this, deeply impassioned by this. Having said that, still not sure that I want children ultimately...

* Trying to be more involved with Perth feminist groups, so will try and get along to a Roar Feminist Collective meeting, am going to skype into the Murdoch Wom*n's meeting, and am also going to do some stuff with Unifem. I'd also still like to do some stuff with the Soroptimists, but I need to call them again as they haven't called me back about a city group meetup. Guess I'm in an active feminist space atm :) Enjoying it.

I joined Idealist.org:

http://www.idealist.org/if/i/en/av/UserProfile/220747-34/c

I'm looking forward to exploring :)

Courtesy of alexmoon and Bluestocking blog.

I stumbled across the past today, while googling myself for PR study reasons.

Found online poetry profile that I used to post to. That was an unexpected shock. As was the sheer breadth of difference between what I wrote then, what and how I'm writing now. I was surprised at how much of it I either still liked and wouldn't edit, or would seriously rework, but still love the central concept. I'm wondering why I ever thought I didn't have a connection to poetry (remembering a conversation about this with e_dan some months ago). Perhaps it was simply having seen several amazing examples of professional and literary poetry that I dismissed my efforts completely? Seems like something I'd do :)

What is clear though, is that I've been inspired by, caught up in and utterly moved by concepts of love, sensuality and abstract imagination since way back.

I was glad to see however, that the more emo examples of poetry I know is still sitting in a lever arch folder somewhere, are there and nowhere else :P

I'm amused and embarrassed, and again wasn't going to mention and then my inner vulnerability ping sounded. And here we are.

(I seem to have placed an internal ping reminding me of my commitment to be powerful in vulnerability and sharing of myself and my life genuinely. Now if only I could say I'd done such a thing deliberately :P)

And now that I've data cleansed the public record somewhat, I can return to the actual studying part. (I really did feel the need to remove some pieces, and also remove my real name from various places in the profile too).

The first awesome bit was having lunch with lady_niav at Tiger Tiger, which is my new favouritist place ever! Really lovely food, great coffee and I'm in love with the service and whole setting of the place!

We talked and caught up and got to appreciate what's been happening for the other and really, I just loved feeling close and connected and sharing time and space with her :) More please! I say :)


Then tonight after work I met flyingblogspot for coffee. Oh! Meeting of minds!!!

The awesomeness of not having to explain myself about certain contexts from where I was coming from and being able to share in similarly what she meant and validate that - it was a shared moment of poly shared awesomeness. Hadn't realised how much I missed that mainly from my Melbourne trips this year and the awesome community over there :)

So there was coffee and lots and lots of talking about variously random stuff, and it was brilliant and enjoyable. We decided to go wander and find dinner, and ended up at Zapata's in Northbridge drinking really nice sangria and continuing talking over nachos.

I'd mentioned earlier on during coffee that I've never really been on a date - not with someone that I don't know very well and don't already have a good idea of how to talk to them and that I really like them and stuff. Later I was describing that the evening had so far been kind of what I imagine a date to be like, so she declared that 'right it's a date' in a lovely playful way that just absolutely made my night :)

I just felt special and awesome and elated at such awesome company! It was especially nice because I'd only met her a couple of times before and though we talked this time it was just the two of us deliberately meeting because we liked the idea :)

We're looking at the possibility of going to the poly vic weekend over the Melbourne Cup weekend, and also doing a tv night at some point where with some ambiguous regularity there is Boston Legal, West Wing and I shall be introduced to Twin Peaks :)

*happy dance of happiness and shiny things*

This was just so awesome in so many ways - most of which I don't have words for. I look forward to the future, however that looks :)

I put in the leave application today. It's going to be approved. Not even any contest on the proposed start date.

I am so unbelievably relieved, thankful and not a little scared.

Having said that, I'm having frequent moments of reminding myself of my ability to be awesome and make things work, that I am eminently employable etc etc...

I know I can make all this work, I have all the support in the world, and more than anything I'm just going to trust in that and run with it.

Dear Universe, thank you for everything.

Love, mynxii.

Thank the Universe for the love I get to share in and experience in my life.

What is clear to me this moment, is that this is not thanks to the Universe at all, and is a function of me being who I am moving through the world.

Tonight I'm connected to this understanding where if I am committed to genuinely being who I am - and continually taking joy in, examining and discovering me, then I get to experience the love and joy and friendship (add other expressions as appropriate) that I adore and value so much.

Instead, tonight I shall thank the Universe for me.

http://shanness.net/sundaylife/

I'm not out to convert the world to my lifestyle... but I am absolutely committed that people get to choose and live the lifestyle that is an expression of who they are, and wish to be. (an it harm none..)

Having said that, do I get a bit of a kick out of seeing something of my life being represented positively in the mainstream media? Absolutely.

aescapulius is looking to move in with us sometime in the next little while, which will be awesome! Especially when I run off to other cities to discover who I am and practise all that I'm being and creating for the world :)

I love kae_dash more and more daily, I fall in love with him often and deeply, and most of all I love that between us we can trust each other in our mutual commitment to each other getting to be who we want to be, and live an amazing life - together or not. I love the freedom I gain from being in love with this amazing man - he inspires me, supports me and always, always, believes in me.

I love knowing that in turn I inspire him, I support him and always, always believe in him.

This is not a small part of me being who I am, and living a life that is amazing and part of what I want to be and create for the world at large.

The article reminds me of all of this, it reminds me of MS in Melbourne, where if I think of her, I blush! It makes me think of R whom I met recently in Bendigo who was unexpected in connection and awesomeness. It makes me think of e_dan and of the wonder held inside what we shared and created, and of the other loves in my life that I've met, love and share my life with in some capacity.

I love to be re-inspired, and love that the article was part of that, this week.

I will never ever, ever be tired of being in love, or falling in love. Anyone I've mentioned above, amongst several others, I have the privilege of falling in love with often... it never gets tired or old, it's never the same experience. I am blessed by the Universe.

I feel utterly gorgeous tonight, for no particular reason :)

* Work happened and I was productive.

* Boss happened and I am seething resentment.

* 1 more Tamora Pierce book left. Have read most of the available books in the past 2-3 weeks.

* Loving and confronting and awesome conversation with e_dan today. The ideal model is not ideal though the un-ideal (see that joke I almost made there?) model has yet to present itself. Can't wait to be over there in June, have missed just being in his company irrespective of anything else.

* Left laptop either on a bus or in a building. Cannot ascertain which till tomorrow morning. Data is mostly retrievable, or non essential. Machine is less easy to figure out - I can't afford to replace the thing. I also can't afford not to have one with uni atm, not to mention there's the whole bit where it's my only machine. I'm using K's tonight. I want my laptop back. I am thinking strongly and positively that when I make phone calls tomorrow, someone useful will have picked it up and will have handed it in and that I will be able to arrange to pick it up tomorrow.

*fingers crossed*

* Did well in assisting shift tonight, was very effective in just getting past the stuff that was hard, and overwhelming and upsetting.

* Am working up to a leap of faith. Not sure what this is going to look like yet but JY was very inspiring at me tonight. I am almost convinced and enrolled that I can completely make this work.

* I badly want a cuddle from someone I'm really close to. This is not person specific but intimacy level specific.

I wanted to make sure to post about this, since I'm currently not doing very well, not coping very well and finding things Hard.

This doesn't mean there aren't any good bits - there are heaps of them.

But today was a really good DAY. The whole day! *hugs it*

Today has been composed of:

* sleeping in warm and snuggly with K
* sms's from loved ones who got my gift and loved it
* early to Carousel and meet my Mum.
* Coffee and open conversation with her - being honest with her about where I'm at and what's going on for me.
* Hearing that my brother is doing better.
* Shopping with Mum - we wandered all over, just browsing, and apparently sharing similar taste in kitchen stuff :P Did not buy appliances.
* Did buy awesome of awesome teapots. 3 cup capacity, glass and see through, has a little bowl for leaf tea that you use a lever at the top to lift out when your tea is brewed enough. I love it.
* Did low stakes writing piece on gender and identity in the context of pop culture (mainly tv) analysis - 1700 words without quite pausing to think about it. And it made sense and said -something- I believe in.
* Went to movie - Fast and the Furious 4 - and loved it. Zooooooomy!!!! Vin Diesel!!! Explosions!! Buddy movie of romantic sublime awesomeness!!! I love it when men have awesome friendships involving an honour code.
* Wonderful friends to share movie with, including cricketk who made it possible and came and picked me up (and took me home).
* Daylight Savings = No! (Commiserations - but omg I am relieved!)
* Fremantle by election - Greens! Yay Fremantle!
* Snippets of conversation with e_dan and the happy in his voice made me all fluttery and blushy :)
* Was telling cricketk about MS and was all fluttery and blushy over her too.

And now, back to studying.

I was emo and sad earlier this evening.

Now I am lighter and relieved and giggly even.


It's a nice feeling *values it*

I realise tonight that there is a difference in not moving yourself into a better mood, where someone else being or doing something essentially triggers it, and you experiencing goodness where you move yourself into a different head space.

Intricacies. I am still experiencing a lot of stress emotional and otherwise and am frequently responding in teary like ways to things that are ordinarily not suggestive of such.

I started reading 'Zoe's Tale' by Scalzi this morning, and it was the beginning of the book, and there was nothing really happening but there was this one little bit and I was teary on the train to work this morning.

There are other equally silly examples of my low coping atm. Mostly later this is funny but... tiring too.

However, obviously I'm in the midst of an opportunity for growth, building of character and self discovery so there are huge upsides that will I expect become more visible at some point than they are currently *eyes Universe*... I hope.

In any case it's all a learning curve - and currently I'm managing to stay on it :)

Also, out of the conversation I just had with my friend where I ended up feeling a whole lot better, I realised in a way that kind of sank in that actually one of the things I'm very good at is loving people. Given how crap various things have been over the last few months I'm going to take a moment and appreciate that because, the experience of that love both given and returned makes a metric tonne x lots of difference.

Still, tonight I was going to achieve wondrous reference page like things, and lecture listening too like things, and this has not yet happened. That said, I can still work on references now, and the rest over the weekend.

- have a healthy well balanced dinner
- get straight into doing my essay
- mean to get this distracted


I did:
- do things for self for self's sake
- give myself permission to slack off on dinner (just me)
- realise that i have no organ or body part labelled invisible... I'm not.


I am:
- enjoying the night to myself - especially since I'm relaxing and not just working
- looking forward to more conversations
- the boys getting home
- the next ugly betty episode which i'm watching instead of my essay
- very well loved and very worthy of that love
- clear my love is also shiny and welcome

Ah dot points. I love thee.

Yesterday was not very productive, I was in emo PMS mode. I did cook however (baby on the way gift for a friend who is due in mid May), I then went to said friend's baby shower - and it was lots of fun, one of the best I've been to in fact :) Primary school teachers organise very cool stuff and games :P

Didn't manage to get much of my assignment written yesterday but I really tried - I really really tried. Today so far things are going better (even considering I'm writing this rather than the essay).

Many thanks to girliejones who was really there for me last night when I needed it, apparently her laughter is the music to get my fingers typing - or somesuch :P It was funny and I think maybe you had to be there :P Safe to say she is awesome, I adore her and am grateful :)

Wish I was on the beach having breakfast like someone else I know :P *waves at subtle_eye, however I am cosily tucked up in my bed which is something.

I'm still feeling stressed, still feeling overwhelmed and still being reminded that my coping is low atm - but I am trying to take care of myself, and love myself, forgive myself and be willing to examine what's going on around me. It's been good, there are realisations that have helped, and things I'm still thinking through. Most of all, I'm trying to just be myself rather than just 'doing' stuff. I kind of lost the being for a while, and I'm reclaiming it. This helps with my study too as I'm reminded that I -love- the subject matter and find it interesting and engaging.

On that note, I'm going back to it. *smiles*

P.S. *waves* at tikiwanderer I dreamt of you last night where we woke up together (and statnerdery), pre dawn and cuddled. I felt the baby move and we were sleepy and smiley and it was warm under the covers. I remember peeking over you and smiling at statnerdery. It was a nice little dream :) I woke up smiling :)

* Got assignment back that stressed me out heaps - I passed, but it's clear that it was awful. *shudders* I could have used the feedback on this marked assignment oh... a day or two before handing it in? Still it's done. It's marked. I passed. Not only that but I know I did everything I could both reasonably and unreasonably do to engage with the assignment and try and work at it better. I didn't quite succeed, but there's learning to be had in that too.

Possibly, letting go. There is no more to be had from this - I've learned and engaged and experienced, and now I should move on. There are current assignments to think on.


* Job. I've changed since I started this job - I can barely recognise the February 2008 me from the current me... *boggle* It's a little frightening - it's a lot exhilarating! The job is no longer what I need - it doesn't do what I need it to, and the two of us? We are no longer compatible. The things I disliked in December, I still dislike now, despite several approach and engagement changes and painful examination of attitude. (this is still underway, and yes it's still unpleasant). I think rather than continuing to put energy into somehow manufacturing contentment, into changing the scope of the job or wanting it to grow with me... that I need to let it go.

Let it go and thank it for the lessons learned. Consider what's next - I am clear there are a few steps between this and my dream job post degree qualification. So what do those steps look like? Time to let go of the security blanket as it hampers me - and yet be aware of what's so and not be blind to that. Mortgage, bills, travelling - still a priority.

So tonight's realisation and lesson from the mirror of self examination is... to learn to let go. It's a realisation that letting go is not failure, it doesn't mean anything about me. Letting go is something of closing a door - but rather than freaking out and worrying over the pathway I'm moving away from, I have an opportunity to explore the myriad paths up ahead.

I expect the next few weeks, possibly months to be something of a struggle, and a huge learning curve but - I'm up for it and I'm willing to engage and am sure that I'll still be me and awesome at the end of it. I wonder what shape the awesome will be in?

I'm excited by this rather than fearful and anxious. Now to hold onto it when I get to work tomorrow. When I'm job hunting tomorrow. When I'm plotting, researching and writing my assignments.

But I really wanted to thank e_dan for really being there for me today because it really helped me to absolutely be in the right space and get everything I did from the workshop today.

I would have gotten awesome stuff regardless, but there was some specific creation that just enabled me to really reach beyond.

More on that and what I got when I'm not about to fall over with tiredness, just really wanted to mention this.

And now, to watch something and then bed. I have a heap of work to do tomorrow so sleeping at useful hour it is!

I am kind of taken with the idea atm of being able to work from my laptop somehow.

Or do something that is freelance-y that means I can travel and explore :)

Thoughts that anyone things I'd be particularly good at or should look into?

Someone I know from the seminar series I'm doing atm, experienced me as fearless tonight. There was silence and none of us were speaking. Just taking a few moments to engage and look at one another eye to eye. It was a compelling experience.

Given everything that was part of my experience of last week, having someone mention me as 'fearless' really pinged something. I wasn't fearless last week, but I did continue to act in the presence of it, and I didn't honour it as being in control. I was. I engaged and opened up and listened, I considered the experience of others relating to myself and how it impacted them.

I got to know them, got to know myself, and us better.

This person tonight said that them getting 'fearless' from me when we did this exercise, was that they wanted to go out and wrestle something or confront something - something scary, they felt completely inspired by this.

I'm amazed. I'm grateful.

This possibly lacks a little coherence, but I'm -very- tired and need to be sleeping now :) I did want to post about this though.

Also, I made an offer to a friend tonight, and was surprised (in the second moment in my head) at my confidence in the offer I'd made. I offered to him that I could create the experience of intimacy with him, and have it be safe and non-sexual. Given where he's at he was grateful and accepted. My surprise is not that I offered, but in that I am in no way doubtful that I can do it.

This would be why I kind of want to do this for a living. Create. Inspire. Connect. Love.

All of this tells me... that I really do create positive change, and make a difference in the area of love and connection for people. I could cry... it's hit me just now as I type like a tonne of bricks.

In other words, I have recently become a bit hooked on crosswords. I also bought a logic puzzle book, because the puzzles are fun, and I figure that my ability to engage creatively with language and logic could use some back up ;)

The world is shiny, even though I'm tired and wrung out emotionally. I am feeling so much love, and in turn am expressing it as much as possible. I feel the abundance in my life, and I am grateful.

"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz...

This song brings joy to me every time I hear it, or remember it. I start humming it. It gets in my head - and is welcome to camp there.

There's a lot that I love about the lyric, and a lot I love about the sound...

Funnily enough, it's not that I experience it reminding me of a particular person - or at least... not an other person. It reminds me of me.

It reminds me of the joy and freedom I've created in my connectionism, in my loves and relationships and through that experience I feel the abundance and possibility. It also reminds me of what I want for the world, and what I want to bring to the world...

Love, love, love, love, love....

(and connection and compassion - which are not secondary, but less the focus in this particular moment :P)

( lyrics below cut... )

Dear universe: I'm Yours.

I'll be making some sort of official post soonish, but didn't want to wait to say something.

Everything went beautifully - the weather held, with a few well intentioned and loving rain droplets here and there. It was cool if a little humid.

There were about 30 people who arrived in ebbs and flows throughout the evening. A sincere and loving thank you to all of you who turned up. It meant a lot and I really appreciate it.

The fundraising was successful and another sincere thank you to everyone who donated today for the event, your generosity is incredible. I'll be visiting the Red Cross this week.

I had a wonderful afternoon, where there was lounging, food and awesome company. It was very relaxed, social and easy.

Many, many thanks as a last (and important) note, to black_samvara and angriest for helping me to realise this and being so wholehearted and loving around it all. It's been a joy and I couldn't wish for better people to do something like this with.

What I most of all wanted to create out of today, and share with others is the sense of community around us - and that we as a community can act together, and make a difference, and see the love and generosity of spirit that is so abundant.

Events such as the bushfires devastate many people, many ways - which is to say not just those affected. Given the horror and gravity I really wanted to remind people of that community we have access to and that we nurture, and through that - do something where collectively we could make a difference.

The launch of 'Hope' the fanzine was awesome, and I may have been gushy and emotional at angriest who wrote the most beautiful Editorial ever (note: i am biased). I can't wait to read the rest of what this first issue has in store!!

If you're interested in a copy of the fanzine, please comment or contact me, there is no set cost, just a donation to the bushfire appeal. Your donation brings you what looks to be a 4 issue fanzine series, which has some amazing content both in the first issue and those upcoming.

I have a couple of friends on my flist who have families in the affected regions and they report that the aid money is getting to those who need it quickly and usefully which is awesome to hear and know.

There are a few more causes that I'd like to pick up and run with in the coming weeks, but I'm not quite sure what form that will take. In short: books and animals.

I choose to be someone who is an expression of love and connection and compassion, where I get to be inspiring and powerful. I can't resent that, I can't worry about how it will turn out, all I can do is be honest in it, and consistent in it, and have integrity within that vision. Everything else will still happen, and I'll still get to be that person good, bad or otherwise.

So this week has been something of a dichotomy for me. In almost equal intensity, I'm experiencing being powerful, creating what I want for my life and the world around me, working to inspire others, connect people and be an expression of love in the world. I'm also experiencing being emotional, teary and somewhat pathetic... wanting reassurance and to be cuddled and affirmed of love. The latter of which isn't anything related to my vision of what I want for my life and for the world.

It's not a comfortable experience because the one invalidates the other, and I don't feel like they can actually co-exist, in fact my experience is one where they're mutually exclusive. When one of these experiences surges, the other is pushed away... though not defeated. Because surely if my vision of being powerful and making a difference in the world had defeated the patheticness, then well... I wouldn't be experiencing the surges of patheticness that invalidate my entire experience of being someone who really can inspire and make a difference. That little voice that says 'who do you think you are?'

Then in the next surge: 'I am who I am, and this is what I'm creating'

No wonder I'm finding it exhausting. Talk about tug-o-war. I'm just visiting the experience as a whole at the moment. I get that I don't have to experience things like this - but I'm not sure how to go about addressing that. Hence I'm talking about it. Seeking clarity, sharing and being honest about my confusion and feeling of 'stuckness'.

1. For some reason you can only buy five things from the supermarket. What do you get? (In other words: what food is essential to your sanity/health/body-balance?)

Broccoli. Eggs. Rice crackers. Cheese. Bread.

That's just tonight. You could ask me again next week and I'm sure it will be different...

2. How often do you wash your hair?

1-2 times a week. It gets to dry and wrung out if I constantly strip the natural oils from it.

3. What was something you saw that unsettled you recently?

The thing that happened in Melbourne this week.

4. How long does it take between getting out of bed and getting out the door to work most mornings?

10 - 20 mins. If it's a slow morning 30-40, depending on how slow.

5. What's something challenging that you do every day?

I don't know that there is anything consistent that I do that is consistently challenging... Possibly getting up in the morning if anything, and even then... I'm a little doubtful about the nature of calling it 'challenging'. It's annoying and staying asleep is wishful, but it's not... challenging per se.

1. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?

I'm going to yoink my answer to angriest's similar question:

I'd be a travelling speaker. I'd speak, and inspire and connect people. I'd create something that lasted in them, something that allowed them to 'get' something that they'd always kind of wondered about, or could perceive but not reach. I believe that a focus of 'love' is inherent with how I'd achieve this.

2. If you could have a one night stand with any one member of the crew of Serenity, who would you pick?

If it was the character and not the person: Kaylee.

3. If you could give one piece of advice to your younger self, what would it be?

What they say about it getting better - I promise it really does.

4. Best Swancon you ever attended?

I don't think I have a favourite yet? Short list: 2004, 2005, 2007.

5. What is your favourite fantasy (novel or series - why, what did you think I meant?)

Currently it's a toss up between:

Anne Bishop's Black Jewels books and Kelly McCullough's Ravirn books.

That said, the Patricia Briggs Mercy books are up there. So are the Nightrunner books by Lyn Flewelling, The Change series by Sean Williams, the Kushiel and Imriel books by Jacqueline Carey, I also still can't go past either the Anita Blakes and Merry books, no matter how trashy.

It does change, but the first two are two clear loves that I can't choose between.

hahahaahahaha bedtime!

1. How do you define someone 'being there' for you as a friend?

Sharing their love with me - ultimately the basis for my love is friendship is that I want to know that the person I love, knows it. I also want to know I'm loved in return. Everything else stems from that :)


2. What's your favourite taste and why?

In this moment, dark chocolate and rose... because the flavours compliment one another so amazingly well - the rose brings out such nuances in chocolate that I'd never experienced before. Similarly, chocolate adds an earthy richness, a realness to the experience of something that even in taste can be perceived as a scent... I truly feel that the flavour of 'rose' is as the scent is. That's how I experience it in any case.


3. Did you have a favourite teacher or class at school? Why was that person or class your favourite?

Year 9 Drama: Miss Millar. It was the first time I wasn't afraid of being noticed. I found out that I was actually really good at drama... which to know me now doesn't sound like a stretch. But then, you could hear me babble and I'd be saying nothing, and it would all be to avoid notice. My experience of that time was being 'anathema' - the worst thing I could imagine was drawing attention to myself, and I was terrified of doing the class. Miss Millar was amazing though and as she was such a good teacher - firm yet fun and joyful, I liked her. At that point given the person I was then... I wanted to please her. So I did. And discovered more about me in the process :)


4. How did you come to define yourself as a fan for the first time?

I got to be around other people that noticed and appreciated strange little things like I did, who were all a little different, did or said things differently. I just felt like it was a sort of 'home' I'd never had before... my experience of identifying being a fan, has nothing to do with being a fan of anything save fans themselves. It was callistra who introduced me to fandom however (see one of the other set of answers for expansion on that).


5. Name one phrase you wish you were able to say more often, and why.

'Whatever cranks your cheese wheel' - A friend said it once and I was, and continue to be, totally charmed by it. Otherwise translated as 'whatever makes you happy' or 'whatever floats your boat'.